If
you've ever helplessly watched someone die you know how it feels to be aware of
a glaring problem, yet unable to intervene. If you've had a conscious
near-death experience you know how it feels to be fully aware of a problem,
unable to intervene, and paralyzed with fear because it’s your life ending. Having experienced both these situations, I can
say facing uncertainty in my own life isn't nearly as dramatic as either.
However, I deem it comparable because I am just as aware, just as helpless, and
sometimes just as afraid when I don’t feel like I’m in control of my own life
and/or future.
For
the past few months my life’s been a huge mix of uncertainty. I’d love to bore
you with all the intricate details (trust me, I really would!), but for the
sake of getting the message across (and to prevent a potential pity-party) I’ll
jump straight to my thoughts and feelings J and share what Abba has
been teaching me through this. Since this life-stage is on-going, this post
will be more like an open diary than a wise post-hoc reflection.
I
spend most challenging times in my life in mildly depressed passivity
punctuated with moments of either despairing panic or hopeful resilience. I
detach and pretend it’s someone else experiencing said hard times.
As
an aspiring WoG (Woman of God), I wish my struggle portfolio read a little
better. It would be awesome if I could tell you that I brave my battles like a valiant
warrior; that I’m as faithful as Ruth and I pray like Hannah, that I sing my
sorrows to the dust and dance like David in joyful faith.
I’m
not there yet.
However,
I've come to realize that as each challenge presents itself, I grow a tiny bit
in faith, and I’m just a little more engaged with God every hard season. It’s becoming
apparent to me that uncertainty must be the mother of all faith. Abba uses
uncertainty as a tool to carve character and enduring faith into my baby soul.
He’s been teaching me to Trust him when He says;
“After you
have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His
eternal glory in Christ, will Him-self perfect, confirm, strengthen and
establish you.”
1 Peter 5: 10
I've
been waiting months to overcome the challenges I’m facing so that I can write
about them and give you a neat post with a clear-cut happy ending, a verse, and
a moral of the story. God gave me the verse, He’s working on my heart, and for
now, that’s all I need.
