In Waiting

I'm angry and tired and flustered and lost
I can't make sense of my life.
My hopes and my dreams, they've all turned into dust
I'm wandering if I'll survive.
Elated one moment depressed in the next
My brain's a machine that will never find rest
My heart won't stop thumping and pounding my chest
In panic my sanity's put to the test

STOP! No, PUSH! WAIT!
You've gotta let go now, it's already late
Hold on to your dreams Wadz, it's never too late
But it's late, But it's not, But it's not in your Power,
Cling on to your sanity for just one more hour...


I wrote this poem at a time when I was going through a lot emotionally (in case you hadn't noticed), and spiritually. I desperately wanted to trust in God and put all my faith in Him, but waves of panic periodically washed through me and all I really could do was just wait. In His own perfect timing and love, God gave me  incredible community, the courage to trust and pray, and He came through for me, and I can now read this poem as a reflection of a "darkest hour before the dawn."

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

InDEPENDENT

I strive to be the ultra Me!

A perfect vessel fit for thee,

An independent woman, Self-sufficient

With a purpose-driven life, efficient.

I walk the walk, and talk the talk.

I know my ways, I plan my days

I tell myself I’m So street-wise,

And map my life and strategize.

You strip me down, expose my worst

Show through my weakness You’re my Best

I cannot but depend on You

And my life’s purpose is found in You.

You urge my heart with You to walk

And outside of Your Glory never to talk

You twist my days and wreck my ways

And hence on You I’ll fix my gaze.

~Too Much Friendship~

Broken. Crushed. Perplexed.

Grieved to the core, the depths of my soul.

By this notion of friendship, this shallow façade

In place of the sacrificial passionate love; that serves, lets live,

     That yearns to give.

That breaks out in celebration, joyfully dances at the thought of another’s success.

Friendship.

Fading from its purest form.

Fake smiles and Flattery succeed it.

Used. Used and Confused.

Misused, or abused?

Laying down life, love and being.

Daily denying self; sacrifice time, effort, energy.

Livelihood drained.

Broken. Crushed. Confused. Afraid.

Unrequited friendship fades. It fails.

Dies.

Shadows.

Shadows and shackles on chained souls,

restlessly floating in meaningless lives of overworked bodies and masquerade smiles.

To seem but not to be, nor feel:

healthy, beautiful, wealthy and sharp

desirable, envied, and satisfied:

To seem To live The Dream.

Ah, The Dream!

The prospect of bottomless wealth and endless youth

Stencil-perfect unparalleled beauty, yet knowing neither self nor other – save to gain.

To use. And use – then lose.

But not to fear, more smiles arrive – with compliments too

More booze, more fun, more “friends”.

She loved too much anyway; gave too much, expected and expressed too much… Friendship.

A Wandering Heart

My soul wanders as I ponder

Lost in a maze of my own mind’s making

Worries, fears and insecurities

Cloud my vision – Anxiety

Attacks in a heartbeat

Quick as a glance yet cutting to the core

You say Your love’s enough but I always want more.

Why?

Why don’t I know where my home is?

Why is my mind in perpetual crisis?

Why’s the delight of worship so brief?

Why do’I so often succumb to the thief?

A naïve infant, I chase the menacing stranger

Open my arms to one who reeks of danger

Forget my first Love every chance I get

Then wallow in misery of deepest regret

                        Release Me!

My soul is in grief but I know You’ll redeem me.

I’m homesick for a place I’ve never been, receive me.

I ask myself constantly, What does it all mean?

            Lord Jesus you hear me, you feel my heart’s cry

            You know my heart’s aching, you see my desires

            Help me to love you like David and Mary,

            And teach me daily, my cross to carry.