Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Lovely Stranger

I waited by the bus stop in half-hearted anticipation, my full weight slouched into the sidewalk bench – slightly hunched forward as I texted some or the other of my social media friends. It had been a long day; my second day volunteering at the Rock Thrift store. I could see it now across the road, part of my view obstructed by passing cars and by the sale rack placed right next to the doorway. Occasionally a homeless person would walk in or out of the shop, sometimes downcast upon entering but always with a twinkle of hope and even a smile when leaving. I had wondered about the aura of the Rock ever since our first volunteers meeting. Something about it was unlike any other working environment I’d ever been in (that’s saying a lot given I’ve worked at least 8 jobs, but not much given they were all minimum wage entrance level occupations). Violet’s gentle and quiet spirit was the first thing that struck me about her, after her heartfelt smile and before the fact that she begins work meetings with prayer and devotion. I can’t imagine that being a way of life for anyone else, except in Christ-seeking churches. We’d spent the first two days of volunteering steaming racks upon racks of 2nd (maybe 3rd) hand clothes.

I currently sucked one of my hand blisters as I eyed a small man go round the curve towards me. I love people-watching, timeless hobby that, and there’s no place like San Diego to feed such a fetish. I’d since learned from my mom that there’s really nothing inherently wrong with saying hi to strangers. Since then, deciding whether or not I’d greet someone based on distance and perceived approachability had become an important element of my people-watching. I sized him up a little and it didn’t take me 2 seconds to categorize him as homeless. I think I’m not alone in feeling bolder when talking to people of lower economic status than myself, so unless I think it may be dangerous, I greet the homeless (subject to my mood). His shabby clothes drooped around him and despite my fatigue I figured he needed a hi much more than it would hurt me to acknowledge him. When he was the perfect distance from me (about half a meter), I said the risky word and waited vulnerably as always to see if and how he’d respond to my advance. It’s always the hardest part. To my surprise he gave me possibly the most joyful and heartfelt greeting I believe I’ll receive in a while. His eyes had the twinkle of Rock Thrift store leavers, and his spirit, the momentary glimpse I caught of it, ran deep and love-filled. He reminded me of Violet, and come to think of it, of Jesus. Though we only crossed paths once and held eye contact for a second, and though I cannot remember his spoken words, I cannot forget his enchanting smile and the impression that moment left in my heart. As his lopsided wheelchair grew smaller in the distance, and even when I entered the bus that wise, wise saying became salient:

“Forget not to show love unto strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”

Hebrews 13:2 (ASV)


Saturday, 17 August 2013

In Waiting

I'm angry and tired and flustered and lost
I can't make sense of my life.
My hopes and my dreams, they've all turned into dust
I'm wandering if I'll survive.
Elated one moment depressed in the next
My brain's a machine that will never find rest
My heart won't stop thumping and pounding my chest
In panic my sanity's put to the test

STOP! No, PUSH! WAIT!
You've gotta let go now, it's already late
Hold on to your dreams Wadz, it's never too late
But it's late, But it's not, But it's not in your Power,
Cling on to your sanity for just one more hour...


I wrote this poem at a time when I was going through a lot emotionally (in case you hadn't noticed), and spiritually. I desperately wanted to trust in God and put all my faith in Him, but waves of panic periodically washed through me and all I really could do was just wait. In His own perfect timing and love, God gave me  incredible community, the courage to trust and pray, and He came through for me, and I can now read this poem as a reflection of a "darkest hour before the dawn."

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

Monday, 12 August 2013

InDEPENDENT

I strive to be the ultra Me!
A perfect vessel fit for thee,
An independent woman, Self-sufficient
With a purpose-driven life, efficient.

I walk the walk, and talk the talk.
I know my ways, I plan my days
I tell myself I’m So street-wise,
And map my life and strategize.

You strip me down, expose my worst
Show through my weakness You’re my Best
I cannot but depend on You
And my life’s purpose is found in You.

You urge my heart with You to walk
And outside of Your Glory never to talk
You twist my days and wreck my ways

And hence on You I’ll fix my gaze.

~Too Much Friendship~

Broken. Crushed. Perplexed.
Grieved to the core, the depths of my soul.
By this notion of friendship, this shallow façade
In place of the sacrificial passionate love; that serves, lets live,
     That yearns to give.
That breaks out in celebration, joyfully dances at the thought of another’s success.
Friendship.
Fading from its purest form.
Fake smiles and Flattery succeed it.

Used. Used and Confused.
Misused, or abused?
Laying down life, love and being.
Daily denying self; sacrifice time, effort, energy.
Livelihood drained.
Broken. Crushed. Confused. Afraid.
Unrequited friendship fades. It fails.
Dies.

Shadows.
Shadows and shackles on chained souls,
restlessly floating in meaningless lives of overworked bodies and masquerade smiles.
To seem but not to be, nor feel:
healthy, beautiful, wealthy and sharp
desirable, envied, and satisfied:
To seem To live The Dream.
Ah, The Dream!
The prospect of bottomless wealth and endless youth
Stencil-perfect unparalleled beauty, yet knowing neither self nor other – save to gain.
To use. And use – then lose.
But not to fear, more smiles arrive – with compliments too
More booze, more fun, more “friends”.


She loved too much anyway; gave too much, expected and expressed too much… Friendship.

A Wandering Heart

My soul wanders as I ponder
Lost in a maze of my own mind’s making
Worries, fears and insecurities
Cloud my vision – Anxiety
Attacks in a heartbeat
Quick as a glance yet cutting to the core
You say Your love’s enough but I always want more.
Why?
Why don’t I know where my home is?
Why is my mind in perpetual crisis?
Why’s the delight of worship so brief?
Why do’I so often succumb to the thief?

A naïve infant, I chase the menacing stranger
Open my arms to one who reeks of danger
Forget my first Love every chance I get
Then wallow in misery of deepest regret
                        Release Me!
My soul is in grief but I know You’ll redeem me.
I’m homesick for a place I’ve never been, receive me.
I ask myself constantly, What does it all mean?
            Lord Jesus you hear me, you feel my heart’s cry
            You know my heart’s aching, you see my desires
            Help me to love you like David and Mary,

            And teach me daily, my cross to carry.